Down days.

Im gonna start this by being brutally honest, I feel like absolute s**t today! It’s almost 1pm and I’m still sitting in bed, in the dark and I’m still in my pj’s. This is a huge difference from how I felt yesterday, yesterday I was full of energy, super happy, extra positive and I honestly felt like I could do anything.

My bad days do vary, I get super bad days, on those days I’ll be wondering why i even exist? What is the point in a useless person like me breathing and wasting air? I’ll be thinking about how I don’t deserve anything I have. I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t thought about ending my life before but that hasn’t been a recent thought, since having my son, although I’ve still questioned my existence, I haven’t considered ending my life because that would be extremely selfish of me, my son needs me and I love him way to much to be able to leave him behind.

Today is just a moderately bad day, I feel tired and completely drained of energy even though I’ve had plenty of sleep, I don’t want to open the curtains because the thought of the light coming into my room makes me feel nauseous. I’ve looked in the mirror once and since then I’ve been basically throwing insults at myself in my head, I’m even doubting myself as a parent, thankfully my partner has the day off work today but when I’m like this I feel like such a failure of a mother, my son deserves so much better than me and I really don’t want him to see me like this, my partner and son have actually gone out for the day and I even feel horrible that I’m not out with them having fun.

This is probably all over the place because I’m saying exactly what’s on my mind in the order I’m thinking it and my head is a jumbled mess at the moment. I feel like to someone reading this post it may seem that I’m drowning in self pity… I’m not! I don’t feel sorry for myself in the slightest, I feel sorry for the people who have to see me/talk to me on days like today!

Another thing I seem to do on down days is replay bad experiences in my head, in my last post I briefly talked about an ex boyfriend who was abusive, bad memories of him always come flooding back into my head, memories which on a good day I wouldn’t even remember happened but it seems like my head wants to punish me for something on days like today! I can’t distract myself from these flashbacks either, if I could believe me I would! They make me hate myself even more, I always think to myself why didn’t I do something to prevent these things from happening? This was all a couple of years ago so obviously I can’t do anything about it now but I wish I could just speak to my younger self and convince her to do things differently, then maybe I wouldn’t haven’t as many memories to look back on during my down days.

Its crazy for me to be saying any of this stuff to anyone but since starting this blog a few days go I’ve typed out a hell of a lot more than I’ve ever told anyone and it actually feels kind of good to get it out! As I said before I know this has been a bit all over the place but I’m really not in the right mindset at the moment, I really do hope this expresses how I actually feel when I’m low and maybe I can look back on it when I’m stable and try to understand myself.

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Panic attacks.

I understand the symptoms and effects of panic attacks vary depending on the person but I thought I’d open up about how panic attacks affect me and some solutions I have found help, obviously the solutions I have don’t 100% help me but since I have found ways to deal with my panic attacks they have decreased massively!

Although I have suffered with anxiety for as long I can remember I have had long periods of time where I’ve been panic attack free, for example I didn’t have a panic attack from when I was about 14 until I was 16, but the first panic attack I had at 16 was a big one so I thought I’d start by talking about that. I was in a bad relationship at the time, I won’t go into too much detail today about that as I’m not ready to open up about it yet but I will most likely do a blog post about it at some point because I’ve never spoken to anyone about it in detail and I think it would definitely do me good to get it off my chest. Anyway this relationship involved emotional and physical abuse and that effected me massively as a person. The day I had my bad panic attack and still to this day it was the worse one I’ve ever had my boyfriend at the time was getting arrested, although this was a normal occurrence for him I’d never been there to witness it, at the time he lived in the middle of nowhere in a shared house, I had no money and no one to get me home and the police wouldn’t help me, I had this feeling which is hard to describe. It was kind of like my insides twisting up and squeezing all the air out of my body (I’m feeling slightly breathless talking about this now) I fell to the floor as I felt like I had no control of my body, i was screaming for help because I was terrified, I couldn’t breathe, I was shaking, I had tears streaming down my face yet the police officers just stood there and told me I had to stop otherwise they were just going to leave me there alone which made me worse as I panicked even more, after about 20 minutes I finally calmed down enough to stop screaming, the police officers agreed to take me to the police station so I could wait outside there for 3 hours until my mum could pick me up. I’m sorry I didn’t go into loads of detail about the panic attack but honestly typing that brought it all back to me!

My usual panic attacks aren’t bad to the point where I scream and cry, they usually consist of my chest tightening up, my palms sweating to the point they’re soaking wet to touch, my body literally feels like someone else is in control of it, I won’t be able to walk away from the situation I’m in all I’ll be able to do is sit down and occasionally I’ll get extremely cold and shivery.

The main way I deal with my panic attacks is obvious, I avoid the situations that trigger them, of course this isn’t always possible as panic attacks can come at anytime. The main way I’ll deal with my attacks when I get them is by simply sitting down and trying my hardest to clear my head, now this doesn’t work instantly it usually takes at least ten minutes but sometimes in that situation it’s all you can do. The last was I deal with them is by taking my inhaler when I feel like ones starting, I think it’s a psychological thing for me that if I take my inhaler I’ll be able to breathe and I won’t panic as much, but that doesn’t always work.

I understand panic attacks are different for each individual and I know a lot of people get them a lot worse than me but they are something that affects my life massively and I’m hoping one day I’ll be free of them. Chloe xoxo

Anxiety rant.

Today I woke up feeling okay, I didn’t feel particularly depressed but I didn’t feel great either so as you may have guessed today is a stable day. I did however struggle to sleep last night due to feeling anxious.

I think I finally fell asleep at about 4am and I then woke up at 8am, i know a lot of people who suffer with anxiety struggle to sleep often but this isn’t the case for me, it is extremely rare that my anxiety effects my sleep as I’m usually rather relaxed in the evenings. This might sound strange to some people, well actually it probably sounds strange to a lot of people but before I go to bed most nights I talk to my nan, great nan and great grandad. Now you may be asking yourself why that’s weird, it’s because they’ve all passed away, I was very close to all of them and miss them deeply so taking 15 minutes at the end of my day to tell them about how I’ve been helps me to still feel close to them, I’m not a psychic of anything like that, I don’t hear them talk back to me or sense them around me but it comforts me to think that they may be able to hear me talking to them.

Now im going to go into why I felt anxious, as I said in my last post I’ve always hated making phone calls, the thought of it honestly terrify’s me. I was taking my medication and I realised I only have about 20 days of pills left and the doctor wants me to contact her when I run out of my pills, to many people this sounds like a major over reaction but I had a very short panic attack over the thought of ringing the doctors surgery in 20 days. I hate how the receptionists there now question you as to why you need an appointment/phone call, I understand why they do it but for someone with anxiety who finds it very difficult to tell people I have anxiety having to explain this to someone who isn’t even medically trained is very daunting.

I realise I’ve gone on so much but I still have much more to write, the whole rant side of this post is completely off topic with what I’ve just been talking about but I just wanted to express how much I dislike being anxious a majority of the time. I know you’re probably thinking ‘yeah Chloe state the obvious, no one likes being anxious’ but I often find myself wondering why me? Why can’t all my anxieties just disappear so I can live a normal, happy life? I know some people won’t like what I’ve just said but seriously life without anxiety would be so amazing. I tend to look at friends and envy how they can jump on a bus and go to college/work etc, I even envy the fact that they can make a simple phone call!

Another major thing that really grinds my gears is when people say to me ‘Chloe you won’t get better unless you push yourself to do things’ although that may be slightly true all the people who say this to me are people who have never had the horrific experience of having a panic attack! I don’t know about other people but every time I have a panic attack I feel like I take a step back in my recovery.

I’m going to end this here as I don’t want to bore anyone reading this too much, but if anyone has any questions or would like to share their anxiety experiences with me then please do. Thank you so much for reading and I wish you all the best. Chloe xoxo

My mental health struggles.

I have no idea how to start this, I know this is going to be hard for me to write but I can already feel a small weight being slowly lifted off my shoulder. This post will probably be a bit all over the place because I’m kind of just writing whatever come into my head as I feel like that’s the easiest way for me to open up.

I really struggle to talk about my mental health to anyone, even my doctor. I try my best to hide it from everyone, not even my closest friend knew until i eventually told her about it. It can be hard at times to even admit to myself that I need help and I can’t keep everything bottled up because otherwise it would all come out and once and that’s one thing I certainly don’t want to happen.

I’ll start with my anxiety, I’ve been an anxious person for as long as I can remember, when I was younger it was with small things for example talking to new people’s, phone calls and going to a public toilet alone etc but I’m well aware that a lot of people get nervous about those things. Over the years it slowly progressed, what started with me not being able to make phone calls ended up with me being fired from my job because j was too scared to call in sick which I know to the average person sounds absolutely ridiculous but for anyone who suffers or has suffered with similar anxieties as me this will be very relatable. Of course everyone with anxiety gets anxious about different things, I know a lot of people who get anxious about places they don’t know, I however get anxious about places I do know, if I go somewhere I’m unfamiliar with, as long as I’m with another person I’ll be absolutely fine but I’m currently unable to go into the town centre of the  city I grew up in, there’s no reason for that, just the thought of it makes me extremely panicky and nervous. People who don’t suffer with anxiety would be likely to read this and ask why don’t you just go? Nothing’s going to happen, that’s easier said than done though, I wish it was possible to let people see inside of my head so they’d be able to understand life from my perspective. I tried to get help with my anxiety by doing cbt (cognitive behavioural therapy) but that was a big flop, the place I had to go to do it happened to be in the town centre of the city I grew up in so as you can imagine that was extremely difficult for me, I went a few times but the anxiety i’d have for the 2 weeks before every appointment really wasn’t worth it.

My second mental health disorder is strange, it’s classed as depression/low mood but as I’ve explained to my doctor it’s not just low mood that’s the issue, I’m very up and down, it started off as it being like a few days of ups, a few days of being stable and a few down days but now it’s got to the point when I can be up one minute and ten minutes later I’ll feel so low to the point I can’t even move myself, I literally have to just sit/lay and calm myself for at least ten minutes in an attempt to stabilise my mood. I’m currently on medication but it really doesn’t do anything, the doctors have been moving me around of different meds but they seem to just make things worse, the pills I took previously to the ones I take now made me hallucinate which was terrifying and something I never ever want to experience again.

Now I feel like the next step for my blog will be seeing how I feel tomorrow, it may be a good day or a bad day or possibly even a stable day, if it’s good or bad I’ll document on here exactly how I feel because I think that’ll give a better understanding, it’s hard for me to explain how I feel during these periods of time when I’m stable. I’m really sorry if this has rambled on but as I said I will explain much more during my up or down moments. Thank you so much for reading, I wish you and those closest to you all the best. Chloe xoxo

First post 🎀

So this was quite a hard decision for me, for some time now I have wanted to start a blog but there were two things I wanted to write about. One being my mental health, I thought it would be good for me to be able to express my feelings and show others who possibly suffer from the same mental health problems as my self that their not alone. The other topic was makeup, I am totally obsessed with makeup, I own more than I would ever need but makeup makes me really happy, it’s one thing I’m truly passionate about. So as you may be able to tell by the title of my blog this will be all about mental health and makeup, a bit of an odd combination! This blog will probably contain more about mental health than makeup but i thought it would be good to do some reviews every now and then to brighten things up a bit.

I’m really not sure that anyone would even be interested in reading this but as I said before I think writing down my feelings will really help me and it might even help me to understand what goes on in my head a bit more. Also it would be nice to possibly read this back in a few months/years time and be able to see how far I’ve come. But anyway if anyone is reading this I’d like to introduce myself, my name is Chloe, I’m 20 years old, I live in south east England with my partner and my son and I’m a full time mother. I’ll go into a few details about my mental health in my next post I just thought it would be good to do this little introduction first. Chloe xoxo