Im gonna start this by being brutally honest, I feel like absolute s**t today! It’s almost 1pm and I’m still sitting in bed, in the dark and I’m still in my pj’s. This is a huge difference from how I felt yesterday, yesterday I was full of energy, super happy, extra positive and I honestly felt like I could do anything.
My bad days do vary, I get super bad days, on those days I’ll be wondering why i even exist? What is the point in a useless person like me breathing and wasting air? I’ll be thinking about how I don’t deserve anything I have. I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t thought about ending my life before but that hasn’t been a recent thought, since having my son, although I’ve still questioned my existence, I haven’t considered ending my life because that would be extremely selfish of me, my son needs me and I love him way to much to be able to leave him behind.
Today is just a moderately bad day, I feel tired and completely drained of energy even though I’ve had plenty of sleep, I don’t want to open the curtains because the thought of the light coming into my room makes me feel nauseous. I’ve looked in the mirror once and since then I’ve been basically throwing insults at myself in my head, I’m even doubting myself as a parent, thankfully my partner has the day off work today but when I’m like this I feel like such a failure of a mother, my son deserves so much better than me and I really don’t want him to see me like this, my partner and son have actually gone out for the day and I even feel horrible that I’m not out with them having fun.
This is probably all over the place because I’m saying exactly what’s on my mind in the order I’m thinking it and my head is a jumbled mess at the moment. I feel like to someone reading this post it may seem that I’m drowning in self pity… I’m not! I don’t feel sorry for myself in the slightest, I feel sorry for the people who have to see me/talk to me on days like today!
Another thing I seem to do on down days is replay bad experiences in my head, in my last post I briefly talked about an ex boyfriend who was abusive, bad memories of him always come flooding back into my head, memories which on a good day I wouldn’t even remember happened but it seems like my head wants to punish me for something on days like today! I can’t distract myself from these flashbacks either, if I could believe me I would! They make me hate myself even more, I always think to myself why didn’t I do something to prevent these things from happening? This was all a couple of years ago so obviously I can’t do anything about it now but I wish I could just speak to my younger self and convince her to do things differently, then maybe I wouldn’t haven’t as many memories to look back on during my down days.
Its crazy for me to be saying any of this stuff to anyone but since starting this blog a few days go I’ve typed out a hell of a lot more than I’ve ever told anyone and it actually feels kind of good to get it out! As I said before I know this has been a bit all over the place but I’m really not in the right mindset at the moment, I really do hope this expresses how I actually feel when I’m low and maybe I can look back on it when I’m stable and try to understand myself.